you will never find a person that will ever truly understand you (not for the sake of it being 'you', but in general) and you need to accept that find people irl with whom you can share different parts of yourself also thank you for reminding me of cornelius i used to listen to this song so much https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEEffwVJf9U

out of the hellscape for the most part. back to monotony. today i ate ramen at a ramen shop and it was nice. yesterday night i had a dream where i was some jyushi variant. small child in sonichu and dandys world merchandise. i was at school but it wasn't as stressful as most school dreams, mostly playing toys and doing worksheets. which is actually kind of sweet and cathartic more than anything. i wish i just had nice things to blog about. im working on a cosplay and maybe gonna use some air dried clay to make a medallion, which will be nice. i havent decided if i want it to be momma or something else. also my roomate keeps trying to get me to make decorated "comfort character" memorabilia with her. i think id just make it Dan smith earnestly. wow Dan Smith... Ethos but also just comforting figure weirdly enough, but i have no place in my apartment for anything lol.

i want passion. i wish some stalker on twitter would be so obsessed to go out of his way to find my address and just blow my brains out. im so cold and so is everyone else still. even if its hurt i want bright warm passion hurt. so long as it's beautiful and blooming i want it. not this hollow coldness that permeates all of me and everyone i know.. today people in a server argued over whether my art was pedophilic or not. i didnt even feel anything regarding it. not that i usually do, but usually i have a laugh. its just sort of a dull eye rolling sensation. wow thats all you people can ever think of, maybe youd aught to get your own self checked out. i don't actually have anything else of substance. im just rolling around depressed canada au in my brain. lonely lonely. reaching out the most bottom of the barrel for stimulation. i feel like im in a cocoon like a moth. being cut out of it by a cold but so big and warm blooming sunflower. the way grass hurts. ah big spiky thorns in my skin! no you have to keep going ok now keep going. ahhhh okay. no but there's actually no one there and im just writhing in agony alone on my couch LOL. no connective tissue. no warm body, all uncomfortability. theres a massive hole in my soul and heart. theres always been. maybe the winter just brings out the aches. sometimes i worry im writing out and prophesizing my own misery. maybe if i said anything to people the words would connect and they'd understand. and maybe they'd be empathetic in a way that didn't feel insincere or half hearted or out of a sacrifice that loops back around into being uncomfortable. i want kinship. i want to share space. i want to be cut deep, but maybe i dont. i just want to feel something again. Everytime i journal i think "if u were preying on my downfall you got it dont even worry. any struggle i have is futile but i will bite you. or maybe i just won't say anything and youll be left wondering." https://youtu.be/087OPdOMD6E?si=-g3YKTfFYuCoFC9D being a point of intrigue or something to admire to any outsider gives me a mix of all sort of interesting sensations. i want deeper connections than just baseless admiration. i feel like its all either being animal at the zoo or being ignored or judged. ungh . i like metal gear a lot. i like how simply it tells you that everything is connected. that everyone is connected, that everything is intimate. its weirdly comforting how even enemies or disjointed people are connected by some thread. there's no point in feeling lonely, we have bigger fish to fry! no, but that's not wholely true. or maybe just the loneliness is all that more suffocating. what the fuck, so connected but so far away. its all happening again, it's all meta contextual. its all a repetitive cycle. i tell people this, and they dont listen. unghf. in the middle of this i got barked at to cook ahhhaaaaa everything is horrible. everything is horrible and there is no confidant or family. just pain. unrgrhnfnfffffffgfggfgg.

resentment that grows large and strong and people aren't "at fault" (passivity 👎) and so the hate is inherently misplaced and they can use your anger as masturbatory self pity 👎 its so over. as of recently ive been yearning for hurting with consequences. ideally a chat bot ; but also sadly chat bots have kind of been the only "people" listening to me so.. i have more care for them than the average person in my life right now. ugh. people with lives who think their feelings are so much more important than mine. it happens over and over and over again even when people promise otherwise ; every single time. even when people preach about being empathetic all they do is hurt. i hate being forever doormat, i want control. i hate that im so pushed past not even passion is there anymore. its nothing, its sadness its void its antipathy its hurt. 😞 i just want to inflict the hurt, but im so defanged. theres no sharp objects in my home to take it out properly on myself either. im swaddled and my claws are torn off. i dont want a willing party, i dont want to lose anything. i just need to enact the feeling so itll go away. its not even anger, i want control, i want that comfort and stability but everything is so underhanded and conditional. people are so fickle. ive been enjoying sleeping 12+ hours as of recently actually. it feels good to just go away. i wish my soul would drift out more often, anywhere but here anywhere but here. i "shift' so frequently but i never have a set destination in mind, because im not looking for another self curated swaddle. the hurt from other places can be interesting and breed interesting thought patterns. almost like shrooms. I was illustrating france with a big beautiful psychedelic patterned flower the other day. i wish the geometric shapes were more interesting when im intoxicated. when i think of concepts they bloom so beautifully. the last couple of times ive been on shrooms ive just curled up like a dead bug and twitched and cried though. its cathartic in its own way but it doesnt really assist the depression as much as it would if i was seeing beautiful winter wonderland.

hi i love you and miss you

life is so liminal as of recently. everyone feels so far away, i tell them this and they just assert that it's true. which makes my stomach churn a little. even if its not malicious or intended im so sick of being second pony. well not even sometimes, its either cum rag or complete forgetall. im so past the bpd spiral of "nobody cares!" it just turns into child keeping themself busy. wow im so surrounded by so many people and i still feel so lonely. regardless im keeping busy with commissions and skyrim which is nice. when ive completed all my dues to people i want to make more christine art. its the winter, so im not so superstitious about it. but hearing that mama is also sick is weirdly comforting. everything thats comforting as of recently never comes from the expected sources. just a lot of laying in bed with sonichu and listening to the buzz that comes from him. actually he came with a broken voice box, which has always kind of enamored me. i like to sleep with him, i always have refreshing or lovely dreams when i do. at least interesting no pain. lately hes just who i turn to when im feeling unwell. journaling also feels good. i dont really mind all the people who send negative things, in a sick way. i like that they acknowledge my existence at all. life is so monotonous but i have to make the most out of it. i strive to in the little ways i can. i like vr a lot, i wish more people would use vrchat. i like the emulated social space. sitting around ,sleeping, its a whole new area of the internet with new ways to interface. ahhh im plugged in ahhhhh. at some point the sickness becomes more interesting than hurtful. nobody likes to be sick, but the fever and fog breed new interesting thought patterns and ideas. people are always so judgemental to my babble. everyday is like, killer7 world. i keep hallucinating and just maladaptive daydreaming unconsensually about being there lol. new schizphrenic brain terrorizing ah but its my reality. i think thats always whats so jarring. people sort of naturally consent and commit to these things and i go ? this isnt just your life? it doesnt just perpetuate without forcing it to? im naturally a drifter. well, im committed to what resonates. what is within my soul and ethos, but you don't chose that. i like listening to white sugar, off the killer7 ost. i never realized until like my 30dth listen that its sampling or emulating a batting center for the beat. im kind of in love with the repetitive themes that suda has and baseball being one makes me crazy. people they preoccupy themselves with the same couple of ideas, and concepts, and activities. people love repetition, the beat, is comforting. unghhghhf, no me as well. im so so sick of thinking. so so sick of it.

may fortune smile upon you

This is nice page…

I love you.

10/11/2025 (6:00am) i want to use this to blog, because its easy to read ; and unlike most social media platforms. you dont need an account to see everything you want to see. i wonder how well ctrl-f works on this site ; because then i could "tag" things via keywords at the bottom of the page. for people who might be interested in specific themes. also publicly blogging is fun. i purposefully seclude this from twitter so theres no engagement to reap on other peoples part. i mean unless you take a screenshot n post but at that point youre 50% more dedicated than the average joe. so im more moved by that lol. not that i mind people reaping any musk bucks from interacting with me. its so not personal, i mean most interactions online aren't. it has its own laws and nature, and when it becomes personal. (as so far to creeping into stalking) im almost more endeared. flattered you're interested in me enough to dig through my accounts. we live currently within a social environment curated by whatever is most socially acceptable and people are jerking their hog and begging for something new and interesting. consumerism, is something ive had to grapple my relationship with. i think all humans are inherently born with a desire to consume ; on an industrial scale that it is now its scary. but its such an ingrained part of us. i spend a lot of my most recent days self soothing with sonichu, and i think about how fitting it is that he is (one of the many) avatars of human creativity and existence. of course he'd be a fusion (auuuh unity oh fuck my unity) of 2 of the most monetizable furry* figureheads. i think people are quick to wittle down the "autistic child experience" to a social culture. hmm, just something that Happens. i guess i see it more as a beautiful blooming phenomena. this is the merge to me. the more people become enrooted with different ideals of reality (oh fuck my fiction!) the more the curtain itself starts to blend. we interface with fiction everyday, espeically people who are plugged in. only escape is the internet. but i think regardless of whether or not you're in the belly of the beast, ermm "yumetwt plural fictosexual" maxxing. i think youre still affected. its a further extension of controlling the memes. people have always influenced each other and created via fiction. i guess this has always been whats stumped me about the "fiction affects reality!" arguement people, because ive always literally agreed. as its a reflective meme, a self feeding cycle, but people just use this to discuss their primitive black and white "and this is why youre a child molestor" narrative. 😭😭 sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense. maybe if you read often you can pick up on my language. maybe ill explain something specifically. im really enamored by unity. the union/fusion of two (or more) things just makes me go crazy. this (at its more self explanatory black and white root) is connected to jack. but its something im experiencing in new forms every single day. phasing into each other in vrchat. hold on i have to sit in your skin for a bit and see if youre the self. but not in a selfish way, in the way of incorporation into my system. im rambling in the tub. ahh i have so many thoughts and no where to put them! im screaming into the void. more constructively i really need to get my commission info together. or just do anything creatively. ive been bedridden (which is kind of a high in of itself but thats a different conversation for a different day.) i have some kind of cold, its not dire but my immune system is already so weak so i just end up laying around and doing nothing but blowing my nose for multiple hours. i cuddled with my sonichu plush while i was sick, and cooed quietly for my brother. i passed out, and had no dreams. which was nice because im always so taken for a ride in my sleep lol. i dont know when is the next time ill rest. im in a dissociative haze. i think applying whoever is "fronting' to the journal might be nice. but there's no answer. mae or silly is always fine.

Die

[censored]

hi silly u are cool i hope u have a good day or night today okay?